Um… I’m confused.

Um… what?

I was so lax in this whole peeing on a stick thing that I failed to do it until five days after it was recommended. It was perfunctory, I was anticipating the day ahead, I was trying to file the appropriate things in my brain into the right places. And then I turned around and saw two lines. Really dark lines. This has never happened to me before. This is not what was supposed to happen.

So then I had what was probably the most stupid reaction to a positive pregnancy test ever. Anger. Because this must surely be some cruel joke. It isn’t correct; it couldn’t be. How do I go about checking again? Oh, I can’t, for another two days. Maybe the Metformin can trigger a false positive? Dr Google says no, it can’t. I stared at those crazy purple lines for a long time, repeating the words ‘What? What??” over and over incredulously. Then I sent a picture of it to Benj and went through the whole gamut of “um, I’m not buying this, but what the hell”.

I’m not buying it. I’m just not buying it.

I tried to call Dr A but she was with somebody and was to call me back. I had my first appointment with the counsellor at the IVF clinic. She was very calm, understanding and didn’t make me feel like she’d heard all of it a hundred times before even though I’m sure she has, so that in itself is a wonderful skill. I tried to make the appointment with the nurses but my patient co-ordinator was in a meeting. Dr A called back. She sounded thrilled… And she could tell that I was not. I didn’t mean not to be. Obviously, if I am pregnant, I will be. But I’m just not buying it. She said to come in and get a referral for a blood test, which I did, and took the test yesterday afternoon. She says we’ll have the results tomorrow morning and she will give me a call.

I don’t feel very pregnant. But then of course I started thinking about it. I did have that week of nausea and vomiting. My boobs have been quite tender, which never happens, but I thought maybe it was a sign of ovulation. I have been getting the odd twinge in the belly region, but that happens to me almost constantly, so that was nothing worth writing home about. My hormones are so messed up right now, how would I know? But Dr A said it is definitely possible – Dr K removed the endo, and the Metformin could have controlled my ovaries the way it was supposed to. If it did work in the first few weeks, I could easily have ovulated and fallen pregnant before I even had a chance to have a period, which would explain why I’m looking at Cycle Day 58 right now. That still leaves what I would have considered the biggest hurdle though: the scarred fallopian tubes. If they are both blocked, how the hell could anything get down either of them? And herein lies the danger: Dr A says what is possibly happening is an ectopic pregnancy. Which would mean I’m pregnant alright, but with a doomed foetus who is growing in entirely the wrong place and can’t be viable. If an embryo can’t get through a fallopian tube, that’s probably where it is going to end up stuck, right?

I am not going to publish this post publicly just yet because I know there are people I know in the real world reading here, and whether positive or negative I don’t want the speculation to go beyond Husbandito and I. Taking deep breaths in the meantime.